Friday, September 27, 2013

How can I transform anger into positivity?

That voice on the other end of the line again.  That curt, impersonal, "I don't really care", "got to follow rules" vibe.  Triggered.  My reptilian brain at the base of my skull is fully turned on in the "fight or flight" mode and can't decide which one to choose, since neither are socially acceptable.  My blood stream is filled with adrenaline, my eyes narrow in "the look", my jaw tightens - heck it feels like my whole skin is tightening (but not like I'm-20-again kind of way).  My energy field shrivels up.  I feel life force energy seeping out of me.  My inner child is kicking up quite the tantrum on the inside.  I feel angry about revisiting a chapter of my life I had wanted to close a year ago and now feels like unfinished business with no firm end in sight.  It's depressing.  It's gloomy.  It's frustrating.

I hate feeling like this!  I hate being triggered like this!  Ugh!

And I'm a Lightworker, darn it!  I should know better.  I know the importance of thinking happy thoughts.  I know like attracts like.  I know I am most likely firing anger daggers to the person on the other end of the line.  I know I am creating this reaction in my body with my thoughts.  I know I have the freedom to choose my thoughts and my emotions.  I know my perception of things is narrowed by my anger.  I know that my anger says more about me than about anyone else involved (here's a blog entry covering that topic).  I know the Reiki lesson of "responding" vs. "reacting"...  Yet I'm totally reacting.  And reacting that I'm reacting.

Have you been there before?  

The thing is, I have been studying all these great spiritual, psychological and philosophical principles for a good long time.  I am now being tested on my ability to apply them in everyday life.  Not just when it's convenient, when I am in meditation, or when I am with someone I like.  I now have to learn to apply these principles to the icky, uncomfortable, ego-in-the-way situations and relationships of every day.  *sigh*

Here's the situation: after a 1-year sabbatical, I needed to give my answer whether or not I would be returning to work.  I don't want to return to the office and to that office environment.  I don't want to return to work that is unfulfilling and makes me feel like I have drifted away too far from my soul purpose.  I want to continue to grow my business.  Yet, my savings account is running low on fuel, so to speak, and a fill'er up with a steady income is necessary.  The first year of operating my business has been more about soul growth, rest, and rebuilding myself rather than marketing and networking.  I feel stuck and too attached to that source of income...

So what do I do now?

Right after that triggering phone call, I went for a walk.  I actually ran a block or two, and I'm not a runner.  It felt good to use the surge of adrenaline from the fight-or-flight trigger to do what it's programmed to do: make me run away from that invisible and proverbial tiger.  That bit of exertion enabled me to think more clearly by flushing away the excessive hormones.  The bonus is that now I have a clue about what to do when I feel triggered: go out for a walk!  My body needs it!

I know that the manager who called me is a good person deep down (*very* deep down, snickers my ego...).  She is only doing her duty, her follow-up work.  She is not out there to get me.  And she is most likely reacting in her way to all those negative anger vibes I'm sending her way.  The best way to shift the relationship is by changing the energy I am sending into it.  To paraphrase Einstein, I will not find the solution to the situation with the same energy that created the problems.

Easier said than done?

That is the test now, and I welcome all positive vibes to support me through this paradigm shift!

What's the plan, Stan?

1.  Count my blessings

  • The salary will help replenish my savings account and pay off some debt
  • The salary will put me (and my spouse!) at ease, financially - a bit of a breather
  • I will be able to treat myself and others during the upcoming holiday season
  • I will get out of the house more, and have more interaction with others
  • I'll get to purchase new office clothes, and shoes!
  • I'll have some money for spiritual retreats, training and travel
  • I'll get to see some coworkers I haven't see in a year, and catch up 
  • I'll get to go to the "big city" and purchase the good coffee, salads, lunches I missed
  • This is such a great job, with a good stable salary and benefits
  • The 9 to 5 routine will help me become more productive and focused; I have been living in my head and imagination for the past few months

...OK, I'm starting to feel better...

2.  Remember my soul purpose
  • I am to lead by example - going through such a test of my ability to apply spiritual principles will make me a better teacher, more authentic and "relatable"
  • I am going to learn valuable life lessons, and release some karma
  • Some people at work (and elsewhere) need to be inspired by my transformation, so that they can in turn work on their own transformation
...OK, I am breathing more deeply and slowly now that I understand the bigger picture

3.  Daily practice
  • Remember to center and shield myself every morning
  • Remember to use salt spritz and salt scrubs to cleanse my energy, every evenings
  • Choose at least one fun activity to do every day, and share this fun with others.  (This weekend, I will shop for a new pair of "office" shoes and one new outfit.  On Monday, I will go for an EXCELLENT coffee with a colleague.  I am looking forward to it!).
  • Ask for help from my divine team!  I need help seeing the good in all situation and in all people (especially those who trigger me!), I need help remembering the bigger picture, I need help to remember to breathe calmly, I need help to release emotional attachments and triggers, I need help to remember to take walks and find joyful moments every day, I need help to remember to notice when tension is building in my body and to do the necessary action to release this tension in a loving and supportive way...
  • Be my "thought-police" and notice the thoughts I entertain.  Choose to release those that don't support my wellbeing or that of others.  For instance, focusing on "she a bee-hatch" isn't serving anyone.  For one short half-a-moment, perhaps...  but I can't hold on to that thought.  Focusing on "I'm stuck" is not helpful either.

...whoa!  I will be working on so many levels at once while trying to be productive with the work they actually pay me to do!  Add "Self-care" to my daily practice!!

4.  Activate a spiritual template
  • All my spiritual teachers have mentioned that what you focus on, you create...  So I better start creating the template for what I want instead of festering in the energy of what I do not want.
  • Here's my order form to Divine Universe:  "I am so grateful that an alternate is identified for my position, and that this wonderful person will be happy to take over my job position in three to six months' time.  I am so grateful that I will be able to benefit from the severance package this alternation will provide.  This alternation process will be easy, effortless and fulfilling for all parties involved."
  • And also, "I am grateful for all the life lessons I am learning while I release karmic baggage and close this chapter of my life with grace and gratitude."
  • "I am grateful that I can work on projects that are fulfilling, and bring me joy."
...OK, I feel much calmer now.  Please send good vibes my way to activate these templates!  It does feel good to write wishes down in the present tense, it does bring the energy of the solution closer and more palpable.

5.  Attitude of Gratitude
  • In the big picture of things, I am grateful that my relationship with recent managers has been so tense and frustrating, because it is those exact feelings that have brought me to launch my business adventure full-time much quicker than I had originally anticipated.  I am working on what brings me joy, and my dream is much closer to my reach than it would have been if I was content with the status quo.  If we had a soul contract, and her part of the bargain was to jump-start me into my new adventure, she played her role with brio.  We will both be relieved when our contract is fulfilled!
  • I have learned so much about myself in this year of sabbatical.  I have learned that being creative and following my intuition is at the core of my being - no wonder I don't do well in authoritarian, risk-adverse work environment!  I know that I'm an idealist, and I have found through my spiritual teachings a way to share my views of the world with like-minded people, ready to take action to make this world a better place.  
  • I feel good about myself now, much more than I ever have before in my life.  Saying "yes" to me and taking time off work to reflect was the best gift I ever gave myself.  I am so grateful to me for that, and I am better prepared to support my inner guidance now.
  • As part of my daily practice, I will find at least 5 things everyday for which I am grateful.

Can I count on you to send me positive vibes during this (last?!?) phase of this transformation?

I will share my progress and insights on this blog.  It will help me vent, and typically I see clearer when I write.  I also hope that my experience will be of benefit to others going through change.

Many blessing of Love and Light to all!