It's been a tough few weeks. I've really been under the weather - at least, under the influence of Mercury retrograde and many other astrological and earthly manifestations this past month. All that in addition to a wonder-full spiritual retreat in Brazil which opened up doors I've been trying to ignore... And I've been swept into Shadowland.
Shadowland to me is the dark recesses of my psyche, where my shadow side lurks; where I try to hide and bury all those attributes which I don't consider "Light"; where I try to hide all those events in my life of which I am not proud. It is about hurt, shame, anger, bitterness, fear, disappointments. It's dark. It's difficult. It's emotional.
I've been hesitating to write this past month because I was dealing with my Shadows. Although I've been reminding myself that this blog is like a journal capturing the ups and downs of being a Lightworker, my ego really didn't want to post anything that would make me appear less than perfect.
And there it is. Being a Lightworker means working on transcending ego. To be able to heal others and the planet, you have to be able to heal yourself, which means facing these shadows head-on and bringing Light and healing to those wounded parts of our own selves.
My descent in Shadowland started with my third visit to the Sacred Waterfall in Abadiania, Brazil. It is a very small waterfall, especially in the dry season, but it's a very powerful space. When you step under the water, the emotional and psychic release that is experienced is beyond words. But this time, I did not feel the release I expected. It was rather a boiling up of anger. First, people skipped the line. Then others tried to organize folks in groups - we were two and did not feel the need to include people we didn't know in this very personal experience. Trying to resist the need to argue, but very annoyed and angry that my voice was not heard; that my opinion was not respected; that I felt forced to do what others dictated; that I felt I needed to comply to be "the good girl"...
I almost turned around before entering the sacred space, but decided to go ahead anyway, asking for a clearing of these feelings. Instead, I received guidance that shadows must be reconciled within oneself. Shadows are to be examined and used as allies - if ignored, they can become bigger than themselves until they are heard. Heeded, they can be allies helping us navigate the challenges of this life. One has to see the gift each shadow brings.
I decided to use the anger I was feeling not as a destructive force, but as a gauge to help me see where my true values lie; to see where things need to shift in my perception of my experiences; to better express my true self. I decided to accept that anger can be good.
And so, one of my lessons with anger? I am tired of being walked over and pushed aside. I've had enough with being told what to do to be the good obedient girl. I can't go on bottling up my anger and disrespecting myself and my needs just to please others. I've had enough with trying to deal with my perception of what/who other people want me to be in order to be accepted and loved. I need to be me. I deserve the respect to be accepted and loved exactly the way I am. I deserve to be heard. My feelings matter. I am worthy. I am strong. I am able to lovingly express my emotions.
More shadows are lurking for me to examine and change my relationship with them. There is a parallel here between the story of Jesus' 40 days in the desert before the start of his ministry, where He was taunted and tempted by the Shadow Master. Every Lightworker must walk in the mind's desert to be a better channel of God's Love - regardless of the type or breadth of the ministry that will open up.
My 40 days aren't up yet. I feel exhausted and could sleep over 12 hours a night - not really achievable with full-time work, a family and a house to tend to... But I have decided to be gentle and kind with myself, to take breaks when I feel the need to, and practice yoga and meditation more regularly than I have been since the beginning of summer. Slowly, very slowly, I am emerging from Shadowland. But the second part of this journey is challenging too - putting into action all these good intentions, and making changes to my environment, my habits, my relationships. It does feel like a trial, even though I know the outcome will be good if I continue to commit to acting out of Love.
Wishing us all the ability to feel and accept divine, unconditional Love and compassion.