Moving towards inner peace

The lead-up to my return to work last week was chaotic, with my "flight or fight" mechanism turned way up, my Inner Child kicking and screaming, and my Inner Critic voicing her dislike, pointing at my flaws, and being quite disappointed overall.

Thank goodness I have tools to manage my energy!  And thank goodness I remembered to use them!!  The night prior to my return to work I took a nice long shower using a sea salt scrub, with the intention of clearing my energy field and relaxing muscles and mind.  I did several rounds of Tapping.  I prayed to be able to stay calm and centered while observing the facts from a higher perspective, gaining insights on the higher purpose of my return to work.

And it worked.

What a relief.

I learned so much about myself in one week, and I was able to release so many old, outdated and negative patterns.  I felt much lighter and empowered.  I still felt a bit shaky in some areas, like a fawn trying her legs out for the first steps.  I am just so amazed to seeing how my transformational work has changed me.  I am so grateful that I have a perfect environment where I can apply my techniques.  I proved to myself that these techniques work, and work fast!  I know this richness of experience is making me a better person, and a better teacher.

Here are some of my biggest "AHA" moments of the week:

• Sea salt baths and sea salt scrubs work miracles to help me stay focused on the positive.  I read before that the sea salt's properties help neutralize the positive ions in one's energy field, leaving more space for the peaceful negative ions.  In the New Age field, we might say that we would prefer keeping the positive ions...  but remember science class in High School: the positive ions are the ones that are charged, while the negative ions are not.  The positive ions in your energy field are the ones that have attracted and became "glued" to elements of the environment, including other people's energy - so your energy field is vibrating with all these elements that are not yours.  It is best for one's energy field to be cleansed of all these "energetic debris" that you've picked up through the day.  I always feel centered, reenergized and calm after using a sea salt product to cleanse my aura.
• The voice of fear is a frequency that can be turned down and tuned out.  I realized how much fear I was carrying, and how loud that inner voice was.  If I would think of changing the time of a meeting, that voice would loudly state that it was not feasible, that it was unreasonable, that I would be denied my request, that others would be angry with me, how could I dare even ask...  Whoa, Nelly!  I have challenged that voice this week, asking her "is that really true?  Let's just try and see."  And then I would make a point of noticing positive evidences like, "You see, it was easy to change the time of that meeting.  I noticed how open and receptive to my ideas others actually were."  Slowly but surely, the voice of fear from that inner critic is diminishing.
• Weird things happen when you live out your shadow.  I grew up with a sister who was very dramatic, vocal, emotional and at times violent.  I suffered deep hurts, and I noticed how she was hurting other family members.  I vowed to never be like her.  The trouble is, when you vow to never be like someone else, you are denying yourself a part of who you are.  I realized how much I had been denying my own power, my own emotions and my own needs.  Not expressing my needs out of fear of being like someone who hurt me has actually not served anyone.  It created resentment in me in addition to low self-esteem; I was resentful that others would not meet my needs and my expectations...  but if I could not even formulate these needs for myself, how could others even begin to decode what they are, let alone meet them?  Resentment narrows one's perspective and darkens the experience of life.  Wow - huge life lesson here and continued transformation in progress.
• Living in the moment is a gift.  Part of my commitment to myself was to police my thoughts.  Every time I noticed my thoughts went in a direction that felt icky, I would notice 1-3 positive things in the present moment, and I would affirm these out loud.  If I noticed my thoughts were going toward the "oh for goodness' sake this work is crap" sinkhole, I would reply with, "but notice how beautiful it is outside today, and how lucky I am to be working from home with the windows open, feeling the breeze on my skin."  These statements instantly shifted the energy of my thoughts.

I am happy to notice that, at the start of Week 2, I am more at peace with my decision to return to the corporate world.  I am very happy to be learning life lessons and releasing karma.  Most of all, I keep holding on to the knowledge that Universe has something else planned for me that just wasn't quite ready yet (I wasn't quite ready yet), and pieces of the puzzle are now coming together nicely.  I am very grateful that the next time I leave corporate world, it will be with a light heart and not the with the heavy, angry and resentful heart I once had.  Healing is such a wonder-filled journey!

I am very grateful that the person who will replace me is being prepared on the energy level.  I know this replacement will become manifest in the very near future, and I am so excited about all the new projects and opportunities coming my way!  

'Twas the night before the big day...

...and all through my body icky crawlers were stirring.  The jaw is tightening and the heart rate is up.  The neck has a creak and I'd go belly-up.  WHY? The heart is crying, "Why do I have to go back?"  Acid reflux, and jitters, ants in the legs and a mind going bonkers...  Holy tamale, I'm going through the wringer.

http://www.thedailydoodles.com/post/51853397008/the-monsters-in-the-night-everyone-in-the-car

And then I stop and I breathe.  I talk to my dog and we set out for a walk.  She sniffs at Fall leaves and rolls in the ditch; I enjoy the cool air, the blue sky, the birds and the River. I remember to have a good dinner.  My glass of wine is a nice treat.   I set out my good clothes.  I remember my techniques for scaring away the ghosts and ghoulies.  Bye-bye, creepy crawlers.  I know I can choose my thoughts and my emotions, and I choose to whoosh you away.  And I stop and I breathe.

My books and my papers, my office pass and my lunch - all are ready tonight to ease up my frown.

In a moment I will soak in a nice hot bath, with 2 cups of sea salt to balance me out.  I'll add lavender and chamomile too, for I know a good sleep will do wonders for you.  And I'll tap on my emotions, my tears and my fears.  And I'll set my intentions for magic and ease.  I'll surround myself in a big bubble of Reiki and Light.  And I trust that I'm secure, I'm safe and I'm loved.  And I trust I can pull through for the Big Guy's rooting for me too.

Just for tonight, I release anger.  Just for tonight, I release worry.

All is well.  All is well.

And to all, a good night...

 

A miraculous shift!

I experienced my first "tapping miracle" yesterday - woot woot!  I am delighting in the change in feelings and perspective this has brought.  I feel lighter, brighter, happier!

One year ago, I decided to leave my cushy government job to pursue my dream of working in the spiritual field full time. Needless to say in one year the earnings from my start-up business is only a tiny sliver of what I used to make for the government - which is a huge point of stress for my husband. He went on one of his verbal and non-verbal disapproval rampage yesterday, and I stood up for myself, telling him that I did not accept his behaviour and his words.  (Standing up for myself and setting boundaries is quite an achievement for me in and of itself!)

He left to run some errands and I retreated to my office for some huge tapping rounds. (Video here on how to tap.)  I tapped on how angry I felt, on how I don't want to be triggered by his behaviour anymore, on how sad and unsupported this whole situation made me feel, and I asked for divine help to rewire my thinking to keep focusing on the positive. I felt better. Not completely healed, but I had released the trigger in the moment, and some other underlying emotions.

The "miracle" is that when he came back from his errand, he apologized. I was very surprised since it's one of the first times he apologized and realized how much he was reacting like his own father. And it's one of the first times that I felt receptive to his apology and felt grateful for it. It felt genuine and uplifting. I'm new to tapping, but if it can make differences like this in my life, it's a practice I will stick to!!  

I can testify from experience now that when you change your energy, you have a ripple effect on the people around you.  It truly is up to us, in every moment, to choose the energy we want to contribute to any and all situations.  

And therefore, strong with this experience, I feel a bit more ready to return to work tomorrow knowing that I can change my energy and therefore transform the negative experienced that was into a healing and releasing experience for all involved.  

Would you like for me to share a script for tapping through anger and disappointment?  I would be happy to type it out and share it with you.

How can I transform anger into positivity?

That voice on the other end of the line again.  That curt, impersonal, "I don't really care", "got to follow rules" vibe.  Triggered.  My reptilian brain at the base of my skull is fully turned on in the "fight or flight" mode and can't decide which one to choose, since neither are socially acceptable.  My blood stream is filled with adrenaline, my eyes narrow in "the look", my jaw tightens - heck it feels like my whole skin is tightening (but not like I'm-20-again kind of way).  My energy field shrivels up.  I feel life force energy seeping out of me.  My inner child is kicking up quite the tantrum on the inside.  I feel angry about revisiting a chapter of my life I had wanted to close a year ago and now feels like unfinished business with no firm end in sight.  It's depressing.  It's gloomy.  It's frustrating.

I hate feeling like this!  I hate being triggered like this!  Ugh!

And I'm a Lightworker, darn it!  I should know better.  I know the importance of thinking happy thoughts.  I know like attracts like.  I know I am most likely firing anger daggers to the person on the other end of the line.  I know I am creating this reaction in my body with my thoughts.  I know I have the freedom to choose my thoughts and my emotions.  I know my perception of things is narrowed by my anger.  I know that my anger says more about me than about anyone else involved (here's a blog entry covering that topic).  I know the Reiki lesson of "responding" vs. "reacting"...  Yet I'm totally reacting.  And reacting that I'm reacting.

Have you been there before?  

The thing is, I have been studying all these great spiritual, psychological and philosophical principles for a good long time.  I am now being tested on my ability to apply them in everyday life.  Not just when it's convenient, when I am in meditation, or when I am with someone I like.  I now have to learn to apply these principles to the icky, uncomfortable, ego-in-the-way situations and relationships of every day.  *sigh*

Here's the situation: after a 1-year sabbatical, I needed to give my answer whether or not I would be returning to work.  I don't want to return to the office and to that office environment.  I don't want to return to work that is unfulfilling and makes me feel like I have drifted away too far from my soul purpose.  I want to continue to grow my business.  Yet, my savings account is running low on fuel, so to speak, and a fill'er up with a steady income is necessary.  The first year of operating my business has been more about soul growth, rest, and rebuilding myself rather than marketing and networking.  I feel stuck and too attached to that source of income...

So what do I do now?

Right after that triggering phone call, I went for a walk.  I actually ran a block or two, and I'm not a runner.  It felt good to use the surge of adrenaline from the fight-or-flight trigger to do what it's programmed to do: make me run away from that invisible and proverbial tiger.  That bit of exertion enabled me to think more clearly by flushing away the excessive hormones.  The bonus is that now I have a clue about what to do when I feel triggered: go out for a walk!  My body needs it!

I know that the manager who called me is a good person deep down (*very* deep down, snickers my ego...).  She is only doing her duty, her follow-up work.  She is not out there to get me.  And she is most likely reacting in her way to all those negative anger vibes I'm sending her way.  The best way to shift the relationship is by changing the energy I am sending into it.  To paraphrase Einstein, I will not find the solution to the situation with the same energy that created the problems.

Easier said than done?

That is the test now, and I welcome all positive vibes to support me through this paradigm shift!

What's the plan, Stan?

1.  Count my blessings

• The salary will help replenish my savings account and pay off some debt
• The salary will put me (and my spouse!) at ease, financially - a bit of a breather
• I will be able to treat myself and others during the upcoming holiday season
• I will get out of the house more, and have more interaction with others
• I'll get to purchase new office clothes, and shoes!
• I'll have some money for spiritual retreats, training and travel
• I'll get to see some coworkers I haven't see in a year, and catch up 
• I'll get to go to the "big city" and purchase the good coffee, salads, lunches I missed
• This is such a great job, with a good stable salary and benefits
• The 9 to 5 routine will help me become more productive and focused; I have been living in my head and imagination for the past few months

...OK, I'm starting to feel better...

2.  Remember my soul purpose

• I am to lead by example - going through such a test of my ability to apply spiritual principles will make me a better teacher, more authentic and "relatable"
• I am going to learn valuable life lessons, and release some karma
• Some people at work (and elsewhere) need to be inspired by my transformation, so that they can in turn work on their own transformation

...OK, I am breathing more deeply and slowly now that I understand the bigger picture

3.  Daily practice

• Remember to center and shield myself every morning
• Remember to use salt spritz and salt scrubs to cleanse my energy, every evenings
• Choose at least one fun activity to do every day, and share this fun with others.  (This weekend, I will shop for a new pair of "office" shoes and one new outfit.  On Monday, I will go for an EXCELLENT coffee with a colleague.  I am looking forward to it!).
• Ask for help from my divine team!  I need help seeing the good in all situation and in all people (especially those who trigger me!), I need help remembering the bigger picture, I need help to remember to breathe calmly, I need help to release emotional attachments and triggers, I need help to remember to take walks and find joyful moments every day, I need help to remember to notice when tension is building in my body and to do the necessary action to release this tension in a loving and supportive way...
• Be my "thought-police" and notice the thoughts I entertain.  Choose to release those that don't support my wellbeing or that of others.  For instance, focusing on "she a bee-hatch" isn't serving anyone.  For one short half-a-moment, perhaps...  but I can't hold on to that thought.  Focusing on "I'm stuck" is not helpful either.

...whoa!  I will be working on so many levels at once while trying to be productive with the work they actually pay me to do!  Add "Self-care" to my daily practice!!

4.  Activate a spiritual template

• All my spiritual teachers have mentioned that what you focus on, you create...  So I better start creating the template for what I want instead of festering in the energy of what I do not want.
• Here's my order form to Divine Universe:  "I am so grateful that an alternate is identified for my position, and that this wonderful person will be happy to take over my job position in three to six months' time.  I am so grateful that I will be able to benefit from the severance package this alternation will provide.  This alternation process will be easy, effortless and fulfilling for all parties involved."
• And also, "I am grateful for all the life lessons I am learning while I release karmic baggage and close this chapter of my life with grace and gratitude."
• "I am grateful that I can work on projects that are fulfilling, and bring me joy."

...OK, I feel much calmer now.  Please send good vibes my way to activate these templates!  It does feel good to write wishes down in the present tense, it does bring the energy of the solution closer and more palpable.

5.  Attitude of Gratitude

• In the big picture of things, I am grateful that my relationship with recent managers has been so tense and frustrating, because it is those exact feelings that have brought me to launch my business adventure full-time much quicker than I had originally anticipated.  I am working on what brings me joy, and my dream is much closer to my reach than it would have been if I was content with the status quo.  If we had a soul contract, and her part of the bargain was to jump-start me into my new adventure, she played her role with brio.  We will both be relieved when our contract is fulfilled!
• I have learned so much about myself in this year of sabbatical.  I have learned that being creative and following my intuition is at the core of my being - no wonder I don't do well in authoritarian, risk-adverse work environment!  I know that I'm an idealist, and I have found through my spiritual teachings a way to share my views of the world with like-minded people, ready to take action to make this world a better place.  
• I feel good about myself now, much more than I ever have before in my life.  Saying "yes" to me and taking time off work to reflect was the best gift I ever gave myself.  I am so grateful to me for that, and I am better prepared to support my inner guidance now.
• As part of my daily practice, I will find at least 5 things everyday for which I am grateful.

Can I count on you to send me positive vibes during this (last?!?) phase of this transformation?

I will share my progress and insights on this blog.  It will help me vent, and typically I see clearer when I write.  I also hope that my experience will be of benefit to others going through change.

Many blessing of Love and Light to all!