Shutting my eyes tight not to see the truth, as Coquin was doing as a kitten, so fearful was he of his new surroundings, only works for so long. Holding on tight to old ideas for fear of what could happen only works for so long. I know there is a planetary shift of consciousness at our doorstep and as above, so below: I can feel the rumbling in the microcosm of my own consciousness.
At first, I really got angry with others and with circumstances. Then, I realized that these feelings were only displacements, projections and outer expressions of how I felt about myself. Then I was angry with myself. But as I ultimately want to choose Love, I allow myself to go through the motions of grieving past bad decisions and lost opportunity and learn the lessons so I can grow and not repeat the same errors. I know there will be new errors, but it's all about learning, right? I'm not doing much to advance my soul and that of others if I stay in a cesspool of past bad feelings, perceptions and experiences, right?
Last night was quite a test in my new resolve and ability to apply what I teach. As I walked past the small shopping mall in my village, I noticed that someone had rented the small space I had eyed and wished for as "Way to the Well H.Q.". It looks beautiful, with a salt lamp in the middle of the window display, home-made beeswax candles, soft lights... I had a strong initial pang of jealousy. And then anger towards my husband who talked me out of renting outside space based on his fear of lack. Then I was angry with myself for not being strong enough to stand up for myself and my needs, building my vision and my dream of service to others through energy work. I'm not happy with myself for listening to nay-sayers quelling and belittling what I do, thinking "it will never work" and "it will never bring enough money". As I prayed for help and guidance to make it through this dark cloud, I thought of making a list of things I am grieving.
- I am grieving the loss of the idea I had for my early 20's: to date, go out, have fun, travel the world... instead I met a great guy when I was 18 and listen to outside forces to be career-driven and "grown-up"
- I am grieving the loss of my babies. Every time I think I have healed from these wounds I hear a song or see a photo and I still want to cry. I am grieving more than the babies: my idea of when I should have babies, and how many babies I should have; the stressed I felt from close family members about their needs to add a baby to the family; the loss of that which I took for granted (had I not learned that getting pregnant was easy; it took just the once etc.); the loss of the definition I had about being a grown-up woman; the loss of dreams...
- I am grieving lost friendships
- I am grieving the childhood I wish I had; I wish I had been more nurtured instead of feeling I had to fit into the image others had of me - and everyone had a different vision for me, so trying to please them all was very tiring and spiritually exhausting!
- I grieve the fact that I've felt absent from my own body for most of my 30's
- I am grieving my inability to establish healthy boundaries with people and situations, for fear of hurting them. Meanwhile, my spirit and emotions really hurt even if it didn't show behind the smile.
- I am somewhat grieving the loss of my steady income due to my decision to finally pursue my calling. As much as I feel this is a wonderful adventure which brings me inner peace and joy, I sure did like the stability of that money in the bank every other week!
Making such a list does help to bring a certain sense of peace, since it brings to the forefront issues we would rather swallow back or hide under the rug until we're so uncomfortable with ourselves that we start being uncomfortable with others...
The next step I was guided to do was to make a list of the gifts and lessons:
- I am glad I learned early to be self-sufficient, for I know how to survive and thrive and be happy even when the dollar amount posted in my bank account isn't what I would like it to be.
- I am happy to have one wonderful, healthy and completely loveable son. Had I had more, I probably wouldn't have the courage to shift my life as I have done this past year. I can travel more, and dote on my niece and nephews more (then return them to their respective parents!).
- I am happy for the new friendships forming in my life right now, for they are based on mutual respect. I don't have to pretend to be someone else and belittle my spiritual gifts, for I am accepted and loved exactly as I am. I am so very grateful.
- Growing up served as a contrast for the life I want to build for myself, and for that I am grateful.
- Growing up without clear and healthy boundaries have taught me the lesson of their importance. I have learned that allowing for others to walk all over me, that being submissive is a killer for the spirit. I have also learned that holding too tight a boundary and not letting people in for fear of being hurt is just as unhealthy as very porous boundaries. I can now move on and develop healthy boundaries based on self-love and self-respect, not the need to please or on the fear of being hurt.
- I am happy to be learning to call my spirit back in my body, and to be fully present in my own life for I can test-drive tools I can later teach others.
- I am happy to now realize that it's okay if I don't fit perfectly in anyone else's plan for me, for I fit perfectly in God's plan.
The next step now is to truly forgive myself, and move on. Knowing the lessons helps in this process but forgiveness is key and leads to greater self-love.
The worst part for my ego, going through this shift and growth, is to feel vulnerable and out of control. Ego and Spirit are learning to cooperate instead of the push-pull of my early life. There is hope yet ;)
I am glad I am consciously visiting my shadows, especially in the days leading to the Winter Solstice, for then I can more consciously bring a grounded and wise Light to the world. Every day, I am becoming a clearer channel. Every day, I can feel more Love, be more Love, share more Love. Contractions of Spirit don't last forever, but we must allow it to end so that we can be more.
*Breathing* I love myself exactly as I am *Breathing * *Smiling* ... Repeating... ;)
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