Have you noticed how easy it is to be fearful and anxious? Have you noticed how your body can adapt to this constant source of stress and excessive adrenaline production that this state of mind/body becomes the new norm? Have you forgotten how your mind can be at peace without worry, fear or anxiety? Do you often deny stress or fear or anxiety, meanwhile you have stomach ulcers or overly chewed fingernails?
Let's stop for a moment to remember what it is to be free of that pervasive energy. With your fingers, press the area just below the sternum where your rib cage starts to open up. If you feel tenderness, discomfort or pain, there is a blockage there that requires your attention and healing intention. Breathe, and meditate for a while on how fear reaches into areas of your life and your psyche, and how it can distort your perceptions.
This past week, I have been meditating on how fear is manifesting in my life, on how my fears shape the manifestation of my intentions, and on the impact of my various fears on different relationships. A series of coincidences have made me experience a heightened sense of fear, followed by the realization of how sweet the release of fear can be...
Last night was a family movie night. We watched "The Season of the Witch"which was not as "Hollywoody" as I thought it would have been (which is a plus). It had just enough action and thrills to be good entertainment for all. Just before bed, I picked up one of the books I'm reading at the moment, Messages from the Masters by Brian Weiss, M.D. I was at Chapter 5, which includes "Letting Go of Anger" and "Letting Go of Fear"... There are really good lessons here which I wanted to share with you, although I did not think it would take the present form...
Then at 2AM, after tossing and turning and digesting the movie plot mixed in with my reading, I was finally in that in-between world -- when I hear a flutter of wings followed by the pitter patter of my cats in pursuit. I yell out in fear and surprise and wake my husband. He reassured me that it was nothing, and I had probably imagined it. It's too early in the season (and cold) for bats anyway. Acquiescing that I could have dreamed it, I tried to fall back asleep. I was noticing how quickly fear made changes in my body - my heart was beating quicker, my hands were moist, and my eyebrows felt sweaty. And I knew this was all very irrational. Then I heard it again, and from that first rush of fear that had not quite subsided, I almost felt terror... with, I know, my Higher Self laughing at the absurdity of the situation... but we are here on Earth to experience, and I guess I was meant to experience fear last night. I yelled and my husband promptly turned on the light and I saw the shadow of the bat and I quickly retreated under the blankets for safety. I experienced intense heat from my body, the adrenaline rush, the panic, the need to analyze how my inner child had been hurt by fear since going under the blankets is a very childish response to fear... It was quite the intense (and confused) moment.
While the cats corralled the bat in the bathroom, my husband opened the winterized window while asking the cats not to harm the bat. He was able to release the bat outside alive and in one piece, and I was able to remove myself from the shelter of my blankets. Phew!!
I noticed then how wonderful it was to feel the fear and anxiety leave my body. The heat created by the excitement was soothing my tight muscles. I could feel the tightness of all my muscles being released, bit by bit. I did a quick prayer of gratitude for the bat for this experience, and forming the intention that all other fears my body was holding could release and leave my body and my house using the bathroom window along with the bat. I continued to breathe conscientiously until I felt more and more at peace. I was realizing more clearly how much fear I was holding in my mind and in my body, and how this heightened state had become normalized. I was noticing how it was wonderful to be free of this fear. Deep down, I started to better understand the role of human experience in our overall spiritual growth.
Having read Ted Andrews, I know that the bat can be interpreted as a symbol of overcoming fear and of deep spiritual transformation; of the need to let go of the fear of change. I now have a very human experience to tie to this lesson. I am looking forward to noticing how this lesson will continue to unfold in my life, now that my mind is open to learning and applying the lesson. There are so many changes in my life right now - both spiritual and material, with many of my immediate fears linked to my employment. I will continue to work to release these fears and to trust in Spirit. After all, I am so grateful for the deep changes taking place, for they bring me closer to my purpose and to Source with more space for Reiki and my spiritual practice.
...But to better be of service in my practice, I must face my fears echoed in the book referenced above, Messages from the Masters by Dr. Brian Weiss. Below are some of his words of wisdom I read last night. I know these words will be guiding my inner work for the next little while, and hopefully you will find them helpful too.
- (Page 89) Anger is rooted in judgment. We hold others to some standard that we have somehow fantasized, chosen, and applied to them. They may not even know about these standards, but that does not matter to us. So often people are angry at us because we have not met their expectations. The expectations may be completely unrealistic, so that we cannot possibly fit their agenda.
- (Page 90) Gently ask yourself these questions, and without judgment or criticism observe what thoughts, feelings, and images come into your awareness. How were your parents unreasonable in their demands and expectations of you? Were you sometimes a pawn in their distorted agendas? Did they live vicariously through you? Did they use you to impress others, such as their friends, siblings, or parents? An overconcern with the opinions of others is one sign that you were used for such purposes. Ideally it should not matter so much what other people think about you, if you are doing the right thing, seeking your own truth, with compassionate action. Cast off this dependency and be free.
- Guilt is a form of self-anger, of anger turned inward. Somehow you disappointed yourself; you did not live up to the expectations of your idealized self.
- Anger is a defense of the ego, defense against fear. Fear of being humiliated or embarrassed, fear of being minimized, of being mocked, fear of loss and of losing face, indeed fear of losing. Fear of not getting your way. We think anger "protects" us against the others, who would do these things to us, who likewise are angry at us.
- (Pages 92-93) The walls we put around ourselves whenever we feel emotionally threatened are walls of fear. We fear being hurt, rejected, ostracized. We are threatened by our vulnerability and we wall ourselves off so that we do not feel. Our emotions are suppressed. (...) Our walls block us off, close our hearts, worsen our condition. When we are walled off, when we are separated from our emotions and feelings, we can never reach the source of our suffering, the underlying fears and vulnerabilities. We cannot understand the real roots of our problems. We cannot heal; we cannot be whole. (...) Once you truly understand your fear and its sources, the fear will dissolve. Your heart will once again open. You will feel joy.
Breathe from your belly, placing your hands on your Solar Plexus. Feel your stomach rise and fall with each breath. Identify your fears and their origins, and let them fly out of your window. If you want to use part of my experience for your visualization, as you breathe out your fears, imagine that each fear you name is a bat. As you are ready to face your fear and accept change, release each bat from your auric field. Imagine prying open a window in your Solar Plexus - open it wide, and allow the bats to fly out one at a time or as a group. When you feel you have sufficiently emptied your bat-cave, remember to close your window with a seal that will allow more fear to leave, but no additional fear to enter.
You should soon feel the changes this release has in your body. Today, the muscles of my jaws, shoulders and lower back continue their release. I am also feeling the presence of the Casa spiritual helpers poking and prodding and preparing me for yet an other spiritual surgery. Their work with me is still ongoing! I am grateful they still connect with me with healing intentions so many months following my visit to the Casa de Dom Inacio in Brazil!
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