Thursday, August 21, 2014

I've been beating myself up again...

Dear Diary,

I've been beating myself up again.  I've been working too hard, taking very little breaks.  I love working and creating so much, and I get so deep in my creations that I forget to sit back and admire the work.  I forget to enjoy the creation.  In fact, when I get away from work and creation, it's like a postpartum: there's an empty space, a void, a what now that is so uncomfortable it's almost unbearable.

And then, because I'm so tired, all those beasties come up to play tricks in my mind.  I'm not good enough.  I'm not doing it right.  I'm not getting the results I was going for therefore there is something fundamentally wrong with me.  I'm a sorry example for a human being.  What the heck am I thinking of being a Lightworker and trying to show others how to light their lives.  I should just crawl back in a hole, curl up in a ball and stay there.  Why did I have to incarnate again, just to feel this misery and the heaviness of the human condition?  I don't think I'm up for the challenge.

Oh, the dark recesses of my mind.  They keep me up at night.  They shut me down during the day.  It's like no one can understand just how dark and gloomy it can be.  Just like the sun can't shine through thick stormy clouds, not much joy can come through when the mood is so gloomy.  And because it's dark, it feels heavy and lonely.

But just like I know that the sun is always shining behind those thick dark clouds, I know that Love and Joy are still there behind the veil of the negative mind tricksters.  I can recognize them when they show up.  And now I'm going to do something about them.

First, I have exposed them by writing about them.  Aha - now they're out in the open, and they don't like that.  Like mold, they prefer the dark damp corners of fear and doubt.  They don't like fresh air.  Take that, beasties!

Then, it's time for a long hot shower using a sea salt scrub.  I love this ritual.  Scrubbing the body clears the mind and emotions, and the sea salt absorbs and removes the charged ions in my energy.  I feel refreshed and rejuvenated, in body-mind-spirit!  I will also enjoy using a mix of citrus, sage and sweet grass after the shower.  When I bless my body, I bless my soul.  It's a reminder that my body is the holy house of my spirit.  I need that reminder for otherwise it would be difficult to care for my body.  Speaking of caring for my body, I will also do yoga and get proper nutrition today.  I haven't been very good at caring for my body lately.  Body: please forgive me.  I love you, and thank you.

Then, for every beastie that shows up, I'll assign two angels to escort them out of my mind and into the open, fresh Light.  I'm asking for help from the angels to replace each negative thought by two loving thoughts.  What works well?  What have I learned?  What I have done to bring a smile to someone?

Finally, I will take the gratitude challenge and state out loud all the things, personal attributes, relationships, and opportunities for which I am grateful.  I am taking responsibility for my joy and happiness.  I'm done blaming myself, others, the environment and even God for the mess I'm in.  I'm clearing all that up.

Dear God: thank you for helping me see clearly through this new challenge.  Thank you for giving me the strength and courage to pick myself up again, to find meaning and purpose again.  May your work be done through me, in me and by me.  As I pick myself up again and learn to play more, relax more and listen to you more, may I be able to lift others up as well toward your Loving Light.  And so it is.

And now: play time.  Maybe I'll go to the spa today?  That would be a refreshing break after my long walk in Nature.  I hereby declare that work is done for the day!