There are moments in life that are unforgettable, and their memories reach deep into our emotional psyche to remind us of their joy - or their pain. There are moments in life that, although now in our past resurface as if they have just happened. There are moments in life that are just harder to heal than others.
Today, my heart is with that little promise of life that left my body on this day in 2002. I am surprised by how much I am still grieving - I thought that part of me was healed... And yet, tears are rolling down my cheeks as the vivid images and sensations are recalled. I remember the joy of finding out that "it had finally worked" after over a year of "trying". I remember how I felt the energy of life leave my body in a warm whoosh from my womb through my crown a few weeks' in. I remember the anguish of the myriad ultrasounds to confirm the inevitable. I remember the Valentine's Day bouquet of flowers to "a new Mom"... the same day I received the call from the doctor to schedule the D&C. I remember the D&C and the convalescence. I remember the support and prayers. Every moment is frozen in time and resurfaces periodically. Every emotion from anger, guilt, shame, grief... and the strange calm after the storm... are crystallized in my being. Even dreams and spiritual insights I received during that time remain vivid to this day.
Baby was called "Peanut" and didn't live more than 4 weeks. Although its life force left at 4 weeks, the body stayed anchored in me for an other 4 weeks until the D&C. The heart never started to beat and the gonads had not formed so there's no way to know if Peanut was a girl or a boy. To the medical community, Peanut was called a "product of conception". How cold! The love of my womb, a product?!? After the D&C, Peanut was cremated with all the other "products of conception" and the common ashes spread over a special rose garden in the Beechwood Cemetery.
I am still judged for feeling so much about an embryo that is not even considered a baby. How do I have the right to grieve when so-and-so had a still birth a few days before due date? Now, that's worth grieving. And how about this other person who had a miscarriage while travelling abroad? Now that was traumatic. And how about this other woman who bled so much she had to have a hysterectomy and loose her ability to have any other child? That's epic. And how about people who are experiencing war, famine, oppression? My story, for many, is unworthy of grief. My story is unworthy of being talked about. It's like I have no right to miss or even celebrate that life who shared my body for the span of a few weeks...
But whether others give me the right or not (and I'm not looking for external validation), that small life is forever imprinted in my heart. Although my son was conceived a few months later, and he's my pride and joy, there is always a place in my heart for the one who whispered to me a few months before him. I will always Love that little Baby Angel.
I have learned a lot from my experience: I learned to surrender to pain and move through the phases of grieving; I learned that life throws you curve-balls and one can't always be "in charge" or "in control" of life's events; I learned that childhood plans don't always come to fruition. I also learned to mistrust my body and to question the values and beliefs I had learned as a child and young woman.
I learned to cherish the miracle of life, in all its forms and manifestations.
Over the years, I learned how mental anguish and emotional trauma can change the human body. I learned how my stress levels at the time could have had an impact on my general health. I understand how my stifled creativity as I entered a "real job in government" could have blocked my Sacral Chakra. I understand how being harassed over several years can leave one's energy system in shambles. I understand the importance of maintaining a healthy protection shield - not closed off and not too open. I know how a lifetime of being told what to feel and what not to feel, how to react and how not to react can leave the Sacral Chakra in limbo. I know that these blocks can be felt by energy workers. I have experienced how forgiveness and self-love can bring peace and healing to body-mind-spirit. Today, I can provide insightful coaching and spiritual advice to women who come to see me to help with their fertility or with their grief. Many valuable life lessons and spiritual insights have come from this experience, and for these I am grateful.
But on this day, I shed a tear for my little Peanut. I love you sweetie pie.